To Heart
by Kalus
Summary: Kikyo's tired of trying to love a half-demon that loves someone else. But it's the night of the new moon. She might find it very easy to be able to fall in love with a very human Inuyasha. Unfortunately, those are Kagome's thoughts exactly.


**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Inuyasha or any other pertaining material.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Thanks for reading. Enjoy.

To Heart 

There wasn't enough hate anymore…Kikyo wondered if it was because it had died out or if she was just sick of it. If she was just tired of having that burden enfold her heart until what was left of her soul threatened to buckle and collapse. 

What had it done for her…this hatred? 

What had it done for her…this love?

She wasn't a miko anymore. She was a demon who preyed on the souls of young women. The soul-snakes wrapping around her body as she walked forward only served as yet another reminder of what she had become. Her body was made of mud and clay…and her heart beat with pure hatred towards the only one thing she should have never stopped loving.

And that one thing…Inuyasha…did not love her in return. 

For once…for once in a long time…there was no spike of grief or denial that threatened to overwhelm her at that thought. There was only a weary acceptance now with every step she took…alone. She remembered a time when Inuyasha was all hers…and when not a day would pass when he wouldn't be by her side.

Those days were blessed. She didn't understand what she had until she thought she had lost it all. She had taken it for granted.

And now, it was too late to even bother caring. Inuyasha might profess to love her, but he didn't. Not enough to make a difference. Not enough to make him choose her over that girl Kagome. Kikyo smiled to herself. She must be tired…that thought didn't raise an irrational barb of anger in her heart.

It was so true…all of it…

She was just too tired.

She was tired of hating Inuyasha. She was tired of going through this bleak excuse of a life without any other reason. It didn't make any sense…none of it did. He didn't kill her. He had never betrayed her…and how could she hate him when all she wanted was to throw her bow to the ground and kiss him? Every time some strange design of Fate had thrown them together, she had been so confused. How could she tell him she hated him when she had been so willing to throw herself in his arms?

But…

She was tired of loving Inuyasha; tired of that equally maddening feeling. It was a wonderful feeling…to be loved…and to be cherished. Kikyo slid her hand up to her chest and shook her head. But it wasn't worth it. Not when his eyes weren't for her and her alone. Not when he could willingly walk away from her and reach out to another woman. Not when he could smile without her…laugh without her…and love without her.

Kagome had not taken her place in his heart. Kikyo knew that she remained an important figure in the hanyou's life. A role not easily supplanted. But it was all or nothing. If Kikyo couldn't have Inuyasha in his entirety, then her mind was already decided.

Hell would be no different from Earth. She was already used to being alone. It was not out of pure hate that she had wanted Inuyasha to follow her to hell and it was not out of pure love. Life didn't work like that. Out of hatred she had wanted Inuyasha to suffer in hell and out of love she had wanted Inuyasha to be with her for all eternity. 

Maybe she would fall in love with him again…

Maybe he would fall in love with her again…

But maybe things wouldn't change. She had loved him…and loved her hatred of him. Her feelings conflicted each other. They conflicted each other so badly until she wondered how much of Kikyo was still in her really. But once upon a time…even though she didn't know much…she knew Inuyasha loved her…and that was all she really ever needed to know. 

Now Inuyasha loved Kagome…and Kikyo knew too much.

It was bitter irony.

One thing remained constant: Kikyo never knew what her heart wanted. At first it was blind revenge against Inuyasha…then revenge against Naraku…then revenge against Kagome and to protect Inuyasha…then…what?

She still didn't know what she wanted. Suppose Inuyasha walked up to her right now and told her no one could ever take her place in his heart. Not even Kagome. Then would she take him to hell with her right at the spot? Or would she wrap her arms around his neck, close her eyes, kiss him on the lips, and hope that somehow…somehow fifty years would disappear and they could live as man and woman again?

Would it matter?

The fact was that it didn't.

And she had just stopped caring somewhere along the line. She was already dead…and there was no redemption for someone…something like her. 

It…it really was…too bad…

Because she would not have minded at all if Inuyasha loved her above all else. It wouldn't have mattered what she would have done as long as his feelings remained pure. Kikyo was sure that she would have figured out what to do given enough time. But her spirit was closing in on itself. She had always been used to getting what she wanted…had always been sure that nothing could change as long as she had a say in it.

Kikyo was not used to contention. She was selfish…

She was unwilling to fight to keep Inuyasha's heart hers. And that was why Kikyo knew she could not hope to compete against Kagome. That girl was free to do as she wished…she had the freedom to live in the fashion she decided. As a miko and now as an abomination, Kikyo could never have that luxury.

It was of small solace that Kagome was a good child…and probably loved the half-demon more than Kikyo ever did…or ever had the chance to. She did not hate the girl…it was not her fault. Kagome's heart was pure…and was in some ways, a much better match than she was. In that way…she could not really begrudge the girl's feelings that much. Kagome had saved her life many times…and had expected nothing in return.

It…it was just that Kikyo would have preferred never to have loved at all rather than see things come to this. She would have preferred to have stayed a miko for the rest of her life rather than have this empty feeling inside her heart. And to be honest…she would have preferred to hate Inuyasha to the ends of hell rather than feel nothing. She would have preferred to have blind anger in her heart whenever she saw Inuyasha and Kagome together rather than blind apathy.

It would have meant that in some ways, she was still a woman.

When she had been in love, the world had been so lovely…but she had let her guard down. She had dropped too many defenses…and paid a terrible price. She had died hating…and now that she had been reborn, things did not change. Or rather, Fate had changed to conspire against her.

She had come to life once again to kill her beloved…

She had found out that her beloved had never betrayed her…

And ultimately, it didn't matter because her beloved didn't need her. Because another woman was melting her heart.

And now, with nothing really left to lose…or gain…she was just too tired. It wasn't to say that nothing mattered…

It was just that everything that had once mattered didn't matter.

A blue globe of a soul was dropped by her soul-snatchers. Catching it neatly in her hands, she gazed at the sphere and smiled. "I don't know anything anymore…and I do not believe I ever will."  Throwing it back into the air, she watched the soul spiral away in the night sky…like a star…and disappear altogether. 

Towards a place that Kikyo could never understand.

"Maybe you'll have better luck." Reaching out, she stretched her arm towards the moonlight night. "I envy you. You can be free now…best you make full use of the gift I have given you."

***

Kikyo sometimes wondered why she bothered tending this sickly band of soldiers. They came to her begging for healing and nonetheless returned to battle only to repeat the cycle. Somewhere along the line, she would have thought them capable of learning their lessons instead of groaning over their wounds.

But she was still bound by some obligations as a miko. She would continue to heal the weak and tend to the wounds of a very foolish humanity. It was an ironic obligation…no one had ever bothered to tend her wounds at all. She smiled. And she had been too scared to ask for help.

There were worse things than were dreamt of in her philosophy however. 

"Just how long do you expect to live this way Kikyo?" 

It was a mocking voice that she wished she hadn't gotten so used to. But this time, it didn't matter what Naraku would say. She no longer had the soul or emotions that were so easily twisted around. If he had come to kill her, than all that really mattered was that this time, she hoped death would be permanent. He was right after all…there was only a limit to how long Kikyo could stand living as a misshapen creation of mud.

Setting her basket of herbs against the soft moss of the forest floor, Kikyo slowly eased her bow off her shoulder and held it loosely in one hand. Not bothering to turn around to meet his voice, she shrugged lightly. "As long as my body holds out. Not even I have the power to stop fate…" Kikyo smirked. "And even with your precious Shikon no Tama, you can't either."

"…" Naraku's chuckle knew too much. This accursed demon always knew too much. "So the futility of life is finally dawning on you…isn't it Kikyo? Took you long enough. You are dead after all…how could Inuyasha love a dead abomination like you."

"That's right." Spinning around, Kikyo grinned and spread her arms out wide. "How could he? What am I exactly? A priestess? A woman? Or maybe something you've dreamt of all your sad life. Maybe I am a full demon." Laughing, she collapsed against the trunk of a tree and gave the baboon-hooded figure a bemused smile. "Isn't it so deliciously ironic? In my first life I was a miko…if the real Kikyo was alive to see me now, she would have killed me without hesitation. My entire existence is a hypocrisy." Her eyes narrowed. "And it'll take far more than you to make me care. Not now…not anymore."

"Not enough hatred to fuel your will to live Kikyo? Have you accepted the fact that even though I destroyed ever happiness you may have had, there is nothing you can do about it?"

Kikyo burst out into a fit of laughter. Unable to stop until it bordered on hysterics, she shook her. "You still don't get it do you? You…Naraku…who always prides himself on being one step ahead of everyone else…you still don't understand."

"…"

Baring her teeth ferally, Kikyo tossed her bow to the side and allowed her body to relax. Ignoring her sudden vulnerability, she crossed her arms. "You believe yourself so fearful…so utterly demonic as to inspire fear, even in me. Onigumo, do not keep on deluding yourself so far."

"Onigumo…is it?"

"And what if it is?" Allowing a challenge to enter her voice, Kikyo pushed herself to her feet and walked straight up to Naraku. Arcing her neck invitingly, she stared straight into his hooded eyes. "If it is…what can you possibly do to stop me? Kill me?" She grinned. "I think we've tried that approach before…"

"Trash like you isn't worth killing." His response came fast. Too fast.

Kikyo's voice was dangerously soft. "And trash like you isn't even worth hating. I may hate Inuyasha…but for a worm like you, it's not worth the trouble. Unfortunately Onigumo, I don't even care that much anymore."

"You've stopped hating him…but of course. Kikyo's hate for the halfling always come from her love for him…but you don't have that anymore." His voice grew even more acidic. "Because Inuyasha loves that girl more than you…perhaps?"

He still didn't understand…if he was trying to wound her, Naraku just truly didn't understand. Her tone grew even amused at that critical piece of knowledge. "Precisely. Wisdom is not lost on you. You are absolutely correct." Jabbing a finger into Naraku's fur cloak, Kikyo smiled sarcastically although much of it was tinged with bitterness. "I am alone…completely alone. Even if I wanted Inuyasha to be by my side, he would not hear my call. But you…your heart still yearns for me... doesn't it? At least I have the solace of knowing I was loved once…that I held a place in a beloved's heart far beyond anyone else's."

"I am not that weakling spider-thief…"

Interrupting, Kikyo cut him off. "But you are…you want me don't you? That's why you always appear before me…because that…weakling spider-thief…demands that you see me. And even with all your supposed power…you are helpless before Onigumo's will. Maybe the thief still believes that there is a chance he may claim me as his own. Rest assured hanyou, even though I do not belong to Inuyasha…there is not a fiber of my being that belongs to you."

The tension in the following silence was almost palpable.

Naraku wanted to kill her…right here…right now. Kikyo could sense the murderous bloodlust…and knew what kept it back. She whispered condescendingly, "Give my best regards to Onigumo."

He almost broke through instinct. Almost. But Naraku always had self-control if he lacked any other social grace. Giving her a deadly glare, he flashed a thin smile. "We'll see… I don't like the way you are now Kikyo. I don't like this apathy…"

"My heart bleeds. If I really have one though…"

Ignoring her barb, Naraku turned around. "But there's a difference between you and me Kikyo. Onigumo did not love you…what he felt was only lust. And that his feelings were unrequited only honed his sick sense of perversion to a razor point. It is as you said. You were loved once. I want to see how you'll deal with that memory."

Kikyo bent down and retrieved her bow. "Then you should know I have been dealing with it ever since I was reborn."

"Kikyo's in there…the real miko. The miko who had cracks…weaknesses…darkness. I want to see that Kikyo again. The Kikyo who was so easily manipulated into trying to kill her beloved."

"Take it from experience. Dreams do not usually come true."

"Then you'll keep me entertained for awhile longer. By the way…this is the night of the new moon…isn't it?"

It was there again. The seemingly innocent comment that raised Kikyo's hackles afire. Her eyes narrowed. "So what if it is?"

Naraku softly chuckled. "So what if you care? But if you're interested, why don't you check up on your hanyou lover?"

"…Time for that has past. You can no longer manipulate me through him. I no longer hate him…and I no longer love him."

"But you will go all the same. Because you are Kikyo nonetheless. Just remember something you said: Dreams do not usually come true. I think you'll learn that very painful fact tonight."

And before she could react, he was already gone.

***

"Well maybe if you would keep a civil tongue around her, you wouldn't end up in these kind of conditions." But still…it was hard not to give the poor boy some sympathy. After all, it wasn't everyday someone came to her hovel with forty different kinds of contusions. Kaede shook her head. "This actually might require some cutting…"

"NO CUTTING!"

"Right, right." Nodding understandingly, Kaede slapped Inuyasha gently on the back and watched him painfully get to his feet. "You only have yourself to blame. Every time Kagome-sama comes back, all you two do is argue. I'm not one to complain but I do have better things to do than fix you up again."

Snarling, Inuyasha winced as a sore muscle tweaked the wrong direction. "It's not like I go around trying to get her angry at me Kaede-baba! She's insane! I don't even know what I'm saying before she sits me to the ground." 

"That's half the problem. Why don't you pay attention to what you say before you say it? Kagome-sama is a girl after all. She does have feelings."

"I try! I really do!" Inuyasha grimaced. "It's…it's just that I never had to deal with this kind of problem before." He sighed. "My mom was always so kind to me and I never had anything near a decent conversation with my dear brother…and Kikyo…Kikyo never seemed to mind."

"You're comparing two different people. Onee-sama was an infinitely patient woman. She had to be. She had to live up to all the expectations people placed on her. After all, she was the most powerful miko since…ever probably. Kagome is just a normal girl whose living out a very strange life the best she can. Don't expect them to be the same just because they're reincarnations."

"…I know that." Inuyasha uncomfortably fidgeted. "But even when I got close to Kikyo…when she started confiding in me her feelings…she never expected much from me in return. And even when I was completely rude to her, she'd just shrug it off and walk away…I always went back to her though. And she never held what I said to her against me." Grimacing in exasperation, he snarled, "But with this wench, even when I try to apologize, I always end up getting piledrived to the ground."

"I think it's because Onee-sama knew what your feelings were. She didn't put much faith in words. Onee-same always preferred to act rather than speak. She looked at your feelings more than what your glib mouth could spew."

"…"

"But Kagome doesn't know what your feelings are. She's not sure what's real from you and what's not. That's why you have to be careful what you say to her. Because she's exactly like you are. Impulsive, stubborn, quick to act, not very quick to think, and completely dense when it comes to expressing feelings." Kaede smiled. "You're blushing. I think I hit a spot."

Averting his eyes, Inuyasha growled, "You didn't have to put it like that Kaede-baba."

"I know you're trying, but Kagome-sama is a good child. She tries her best to make people happy and, whether you know it or not, she tries to make you happy. Even though it might be impinging on your pride…do try your best to smooth this matter over. You are a man after all. If no one is going to apologize, its your duty to take action."

"…Kaede…baba…" The hanyou had a deeply profound look on his face.

"Yes Inuyasha?"

"How…how would you of all people know so much? You're so old and wrinkled…don't tell me that some poor man actually LIKED…"

"WOULD YOU JUST GO?"

Beating a hasty retreat, Inuyasha almost leapt out the door, bowing profusely as he left. Ah, to fear a woman's wrath knows few bounds. Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned. Or something like that. Chuckling to herself, Kaede lifted the ground herbs from the table and began mulching the thick mash into a paste. Young love didn't change…it hadn't for fifty years.

Someone by the door spoke.

"My…hasn't my darling little sister grown up? I am so very impressed."

The bowl dropped from Kaede's suddenly very cold hands. 

"To think that you were that same small girl who ran to me crying that the village boys were picking on you. Times do change." Smirking softly by the doorway, Kikyo lifted the mat door and slowly stepped into the shack. She shook her head at the mess of paste on the carefully cleaned wooden floor. "Now that won't do at all. I've taught you much better than that Kaede…chan…or should I call you ba-chan? I don't know. I've been out of the loop for awhile."

"Onee-sama…" Feeling her voice very tight and hoarse, Kaede whispered hoarsely, "Why…why do you come?"

Kikyo's eyes narrowed. "Besides the fact that this is my home as well as yours? But I've died haven't I, dear sister? Such a luxury does not belong to me."

"I didn't mean…"

"I know what you mean." Carefully lifting her robes and sitting down, Kikyo answered curtly. "Talk."

"Talk…?"

"Today is the night of the new moon. I do not know what that may portend…but you do. Tell me what this has to do with Inuyasha."

"Why me?" Steeling her nerves, Kaede picked up the bowl and forced herself to remain calm. _I forgot…Kikyo doesn't know about Inuyasha's transformation…_ "What good will it do if you know, Onee-sama?"

"Do not talk to me like that."

"Onee-sama…"

If you believe in that word, then do not talk to me like that. I watched you grow up, and you watched me die." Kikyo held her hand in front of her face. "Your hand may be wrinkled…and mine may still be smooth, but that does not change the fact. You are my younger sister. Do not deny me."

"…"

"Tell me, Kaede. Tell me everything."

***

"Inuyasha…OSUWARI! I don't believe you! I REALLY DON'T BELIEVE YOU!" 

"Bitch…"

"OSUWARI! OSUWARI! OSUWARI! OSUWARI! OSUWARI! OSUWARI! OSUWARI! OSUWARI! OSUWARI! OSUWARI! OSUWARI! OSUWARI! **OSUWARI!!**"

"Kagome-sama must be rather angry at Inuyasha today." Musing on the fence, Miroku sighed. "Well, doesn't concern me. Sango…"

"Keep your hand away Hoshi-sama…"

Slowly lowering his hand back down on the fence, the monk reluctantly turned away. "You don't have to be so cruel…"

"And you don't have to be so perverted." Grabbing his ear as the monk's eye wavered towards a small flock of young woman working by the rice fields, Sango twisted it none too gently. "And kindly allow the woman to work. Your contaminated bloodline isn't worth spreading this time of year."

"Hai Hai…"

Glowering at the near-unconscious form of the hanyou, Kagome viciously bit out, "You are absolutely unbelievable…ABSOLUTELY UNBELIEVABLE! I spend my entire weekend slaving over a hot stove making you a bento and you show absolutely NO appreciation! A REAL dog shows more appreciation than you!"

"I…I said it tasted good…"

"AND THEN YOU TOSSED IT AWAY FOR INSTANT RAMEN!"

Struggling to his feet with a look of utter exasperation, Inuyasha tried his best to salvage the situation. "But I never said it tasted BETTER though…"

"OSUWARI!" Feeling her chest heave with spent anger, Kagome snarled at the flaccid corpse in front of her. "I CAN'T STAND YOU! I hate you…NO! That's not strong enough! I REALLY HATE YOU! **OSUWARI!!**"

~End Flashback~

Or something around those lines.

Kagome sighed. She wished that they wouldn't fight so much. It wasn't that she was afraid that any argument could really rip them apart, it was just that Kagome wanted…she wanted to start getting closer to Inuyasha rather than farther. Every time she had tried to do something nice, it always ended in catastrophe.

The bento for example. She HAD taken a long time to prepare. Most of an afternoon that she could have spent studying…alright...stop it...who was she kidding?

She probably missed so much class, that the chance of her graduating was almost nil.

It didn't feel too bad, being a high school delinquent and all. It didn't help much that the following week Grandpa's schedule included a malignant tumor spreading through her right lung followed by the norm of diabetes and internal hemorrhage.

…what a life wasn't it?

At least it meant she got to spend more time on this side of the well. She got to spend more time next to Inuyasha…for all the good it did. Kagome sighed glumly at the thought. She HAD spent a long time preparing that bento…and she hadn't been expecting TOO much. Maybe just a small lunch under the shade of a sakura tree for the two of them where for an hour in their lives they didn't have to worry about demons taking over the world. Maybe an hour or two of actually, genuine bonding…

But that IDIOTIC half-demon just refused to be civil to her. Refused to let her play any part in his life but still intruded into EVERY aspect of hers for that matter. Was it expecting too much that he let her do the same? It wasn't that she took all his words at face value. Kagome knew that behind that stiff exterior, Inuyasha was far kinder that he wanted to be.

And Kagome wanted to see more of that part. 

She knew she was already an important part of his life. But…it wasn't enough. Being able to talk to him wasn't enough…and neither was simply standing by his side. She might be completely out of place in this world, but she was still a woman. She wanted Inuyasha to think of her as a woman…not just as a comrade in a mission against Naraku.

Kagome would be there if Inuyasha needed someone to talk to. She was willing to be much more as well. Maybe not as a lover…not yet at least. But she would be willing to be his woman if he accepted her offer. Someone he could confide in and trust…and someone he could be sure to love unconditionally because he would know her feelings were the same. Someone he could finally lower his guards against and accept.

Someone like Kikyo might have been.

Kagome was not delusional. Although she would have preferred to have Inuyasha's heart to herself, she could not afford to be that selfish. Not when the bond between the hanyou and the miko was still that strong. But…she didn't want to lose her Inuyasha…and not to Kikyo.

Not to a woman who openly professed her hatred of him.

Not to a woman who swore she would kill him.

Who betrayed his feelings whenever it was convenient but still kept Inuyasha's trust.

And more importantly, because Kagome deserved the hanyou. Her feelings were not mixed…and she had staid by his side when the miko had abandoned him. Her happiness was important as well…and she was happy when she was with Inuyasha. It was a feeling she refused to part with.

And thus…even if Inuyasha did choose to go to hell with Kikyo…Kagome was pretty sure she wouldn't allow it. Not if she had the power to change his mind…and not if she had the time to change his heart. Time was on her side. Inuyasha might be in love with Kikyo…but there were feelings for her. For now…it was as much as she could ask for.

But not forever. Kagome smiled to herself. Because even though she might argue with the hanyou every passing second, she always knew her feelings weren't changing. Because hanyou and all, she was a woman in love with him. She was in love with Inuyasha.

And that was all she really needed.

Tonight was the night of the new moon. There were as many possibilities to choose from, as there were stars in the sky. Even when she was angry with Inuyasha, she was still happy…still happy to be the only woman he cared about by his side. There was still time to share the special moment she had been looking forward to all weekend.

Even if the night ended, she had all the time in the world. 

***

One night.

A sense of urgency quickened Kikyo's pulse as she fought to control each step she took. The sun was very close to setting…and with it, came an uncomfortable hammering in her chest that made her feel light and dizzy. 

She…she wanted to see it…at least if she could catch a glimpse of a dream…

Even if she didn't even know why she wanted it so badly.

When she was alive, her course was set…she was a miko…a priestess…in the past…for the present…and in the future. There wasn't another road to walk upon…and for a time, she had accepted it. But…a certain hanyou had come into her life and changed all that. He had made her want to be a woman…for a woman's sake.

And slowly, Kikyo had discovered that although her life was to be dedicated to a jewel…she herself had a dream. It was inconceivable to a world that a miko could fall in love with a demon. No one could accept it…and although Kikyo was quite fond of the hanyou…in her heart, she knew it could not work…it could not last.

But a miko falling in love with a human was a different matter. It might raise a few eyebrows but it could work. And then…Kikyo could be free. And better yet, she would have someone to share that freedom with. The Shikon no Tama would be purified…and Inuyasha would be human.

Then she would be free to fall in love.

In a way, she had never accepted Inuyasha as he was. Kikyo had been attracted with the humanity within Inuyasha…never the demon. She had been happy to have him with her even as a hanyou, but she had been ecstatic that he had agreed to become human for her. He didn't know…and he had never let him know…how happy she had been. But Fate must have known. 

She wanted to see Inuyasha human. Even for a night…she wanted to know if her dream had ever been his. If Inuyasha had been willing to become human for her sake for a lifetime, would he do so for a night?

She was sick of chasing after a half-demon. She was tired of loving Inuyasha as a half-demon. But as a human was different…

Even as she was now…it was different. 

And even if it was impossible, she still wanted to see Inuyasha human with her own eyes. She wanted to see a physical possibility of what might have been…even if it caused her more pain in the future. Even if she was not in love, she still had the memory of that emotion.

It was a good memory. Although she hated Inuyasha, those were still good memories…and it might even be better if she could learn how to feel it again. It might be enough to break this ice around her heart. 

She was tired of hating…

She was tired of loving…

But she didn't want it that way. 

The night of the new moon was coming. Only until she realized her legs felt heavy as lead did Kikyo realize that she had been sprinting down the path. But she didn't stop. Even when her breath came in short, sharp gasps, she didn't stop.

The world was moving too fast. There wasn't enough time …

tbc


End file.
